After a little, okay a lot of scotch and limited discussions with a very unmentioned few over the last couple of months, I believe its time to let free some words that I have been working on & in return have been working on me so to speak. I’ve been very apprehensive in deciding to unleash what I am about to on others because of the closeness it involves within myself. As many of you know I have been performing stand-up comedy seriously now for the last six plus years. Before that I was always intrigued what the mind could create and tried to challenge my own to find its deepest range. Being funny was something I was always able to do, with my friends, family and co-workers. As I embarked on a career in stand-up, writing comedy and especially performing it in front of live audiences has changed my life and has seemed to free my soul in places it was incarcerated. I can say, other than having to hit 2 clutch free throws to ice an overtime victory in front of 2,000 people against our hated rival Elyria Catholic on our home floor my senior year comedy has been the most pressure situation I’ve ever had myself in. But I think what draws me to stand up is the similar atmosphere. Its game night every night in stand-up. Well open mic’s are practice. Practice? We talkin about practice? Really practice. Anyway, the crowds, expectations, different arenas the always unpredictable ingredient of not knowing what may happen next. Sensing things, adjusting, not forcing the issue knowing your opponent or audience in this case. All of those things makes Comedy my NBA.

What I’ve found through the grind of comedy and striving to be funny is that it evolves to this job that becomes sometimes, well a job. It can do stuff to you, it forces you to isolate at times and forget what got you there. So about five years ago or so I was feeling frustrated alone and thoughtful with things in my head that weren’t funny. I needed a challenge to decide if I had enough creativity to continue and believe in what I was doing. I thought I should try to write a song and then I thought well, I’d have to sing that song and my goal with this project was trying not to be funny so lets think of something else I said. I decided I would write a poem. A poem I can say, hell I had to do a poem contest every year in grade school but it was just memorizing a poem the teacher gave you and you stood and delivered. I remember not liking the poems so much as I recall enjoying being in front of those kids and heckling the others when it was their turn. So I wrote a poem. It was about how I can’t remember hearing the words “I love you” from anyone but my parents. It’s called ” 3 WORDS I”M DEAF TO” It probably isn’t a great poem but it was important to me. I felt I grew on some level. I’m not going to share that poem because it is very close to me and I want to keep it that way. I will say over the last 5 years I have written and scrapped more poems than I currently have in my catalog. Right now I have close to 30 works and continue to cultivate and construct more as time goes on. I will start sharing those poems in small doses on my website as I feel I need to. This is a very therapeutic expression and for me to finally have the confidence to explore the regions of what made me decide to get in front of audiences in the first place… I now give you poetry. I don’t expect you to enjoy, understand, relate or read for that matter. But if you do I hope you feel something, because I sure did while writing it. If you do decide to follow my poetry you’ll notice I have a certain style. I’m not sure what that style is other than the one that allows me to express my thoughts and heal some wounds along the way.

Thanks

Coffee, cigarettes, chocolate, fast food, soda, television, video games, oil, prescription drugs, anti depressants, shopping networks, gambling, porn, even Face Book. We pay $4 for a cup of coffee buy steroid injected foods in bulk, super size it, waste hours of our life in front of TV or playing Madden 2011, purchase shake weights and treadmills that we use less than visits to the doctor.

As America sits around and assumes Charlie Sheen’s life is spiraling downward with addiction, an overwhelming percentage of the population plops in front of their HD 3D 80 inch televisions trying to figure out how they will pay off credit card debt saddled with Snuggie and Sky Mall purchases. Tweeting and updating their status’ with brainless self serving mundane thoughts about how “people suck” or how they don’t understand if “it will ever get better”. Through the power of technology several married men in this country have seen Jenna Jamison sitting naked on their lap more times than their own wife. Dateline NBC’s Chris Hanson has busted so many men with teenage daughters of their own trying to have sex with other men’s teenage daughters that there is a TV show twice a week about it.

We barley comunicate face to face anymore, and when we do have person to person dialogue with someone most of the time one or both parties are staring at a hand device all the while conversing with someone else whom isn’t even present. We idle away $4.00 a gallon gas while sitting in a line of 10 cars waiting for someone making minimum wage for a corporation making millions of dollars a day to pass a double bacon cheeseburger, large curly fries and DIET coke to us through a window, so we can later complain about the health care industry in this country that’s “falling apart”.

We’ve become addicted to bi-partisanship and are less united. Engulfed in one sides rhetoric and standing up for a certain ideal conjured up by parties made of few that have been able to convince us that they have our best interest at heart as individuals. Government interest and Corporate bribery have worked brilliantly together. They have joint custody of the citizens like children. They have been able to slide in a DVD hand us a sippy cup and keep us busy as they pretend to parent us while we suck our thumbs. The Democratic left are incompetent at being liberal. They are like the person that has great ideas they write down on a cocktail napkin one night but read it all wrong back to themselves the next day when they put that plan into motion, The Republican right have less family values than the Lohan’s and pretend their idea of free market enterprise isn’t the same as the idea of WHO gets to become members of a country club and WHO has to work there. The only ones that are really representative of Americans are the Tea Partiers because they are admittedly crazy, mostly lack judgment with no points of view they can explain and actually think they have a voice.

We are all addicts, addicted to ourselves actually. Just like Charlie because we are in as much denial as anyone. We all have vices and weaknesses. This is what we are, who we are. Myself, guilty as charged. I’m not stating weather its good, bad or indifferent. I just hope we can rehab enough to stop caring about people like Charlie Sheen’s situation and the Situation’s situation and start caring a little bit more about ourselves, the small addictions we have and strive for better in ourselves.

That’s all for now. I need to get back to WINNING!!

Moving to Hollywood has been a big change to say the least. I’ve pretty much only “lived” in 2.5 major cities prior to moving to LA. How can I have only lived in half of city you ask? I always count my hometown Lorain although Lorain is not a major city, you have to be from there or very familiar with it to know it counts. What it counts for is largely debated but it does have roots. Roots deprived of proper nutrients and rich soil. Secondly Cleveland, and as of recently San Diego. All pretty straight forward cities, you get what you see mostly although what you get is totally different in San Diego than Cleveland and as for Lorain we put the “rent” in different.

As for Hollywood, it’s not as straight forward compared to the others regarding the “you get what you see” attitude. LA is in a constant transformation. It’s like the human societal version of Fraggle Rock. The amount of road construction and highway maintenance at all hours of the night displays the ironic similarity to its stereotypical citizens. Always getting face lifts and attempting to make the surface appear younger. Those are things I miss about Cleveland and Lorain. The tough exterior. I used to bitch constantly about how bad the roads were back home. Be careful what you wish for I guess. Do you know how many times I’ve stood in traffic due to slight road improvements. That kinda shit doesn’t happen on Oberlin Ave or 28th street. Pot holes out here are edibles you can order in Medical marijuana dispensary’s. Pot holes in Cleveland never really go away they stay with you your whole life. The get filled from time to time but always come back. Like herpes on the skin of a city we just put some ointment on it and hope it don’t crack open again for a while. In LA if they see a small blemish they do major surgery for 3 months. Cleveland waits till bricks start falling in the Cuyahoga before they decide close one lane on a bridge. It’s like city not having health insurance vs. having it.

You’ve heard the saying “cities take on a personality of their own”. Since I have embarked on this move I can only start seeing LA and the past cities I’ve lived in as people, personality types if you will. First off Lorain, OH. Lorain is a definitely a guy. He’s still the first guy I’d call if I got in trouble or needed someone to have my back. Lorain coughs a lot for his age. You kinda worry about Lorain even though you know he can take care of himself. Lorain’s the kinda guy that’s got emphysema but still smokes. L-Town, as he’s often referred, has a car that sinks low and there is always a lot of trash on the passenger seat, equipped with a tape deck with tape holding it together. Lorain is always saying what he’s about to do. He always has tons of ideas about how he’ll make himself better but then winter comes and it goes on the back-burner for a while. Then right when he was bout to do that thing that was gonna be “off the hook” he gets some chic pregnant that he barley knows even while already having one with another girl. Lorain is still the city I trust the most. Lorain would never take advantage of me, he’s not smart enough to. If I ever get married Lorain will be my best man, if he’ not in jail.

Cleveland is a lot like Lorain. He’s a good buddy but we didn’t grow up together like Lorain and I did. I’ve known Cleveland for a long time we hung a lot more in my late 20′s and early 30′s than Lorain and I did but that’s cause Lorain just wanted to stay home all the time and never could afford to leave Lorain to go out. Cleveland was the guy that convinced me to try comedy. Cleveland and I had some great times together. Cleveland and I met some cool people and some crazy girls. Cleveland had ambition and was always trying something new but was always a day late and a dollar short. For instance Cleveland invested in technology when the dot com bubble burst, got his house foreclosed after the real estate boom and last year decided to buy a Cav’s memorabilia kiosk at a mall that closed six months later. Cleveland is a survivor though, he’ll manage to get through this down cycle and have to face something tougher later in life I’m sure. I would never rule out me getting a place with Cleveland one day again if things don’t work out here.

San Diego. Ahhh, What a beautiful lady. The prettiest woman I’ve known. The healthiest relationship I’ve had with a place thus far. San Diego truly saw my talents and instilled in me I could do anything. San Diego was always there, she was a friend with benefits. San Diego knew I’d never be there forever but she let me spread my wings, she believed in me and allowed me to flourish. There were long walks on the beach, hikes in the mountains and she let me play golf year around with no questions asked. The best part of San Diego is she still remains close by and lets me visit and when I go back nothing has changed. Absence makes the heart grow fonder I guess. San Diego and I know the time is not right but that we can love again and who know’s? We may end up together forever one day and that wouldn’t be bad at all. I miss you San Diego but I’ll see you soon. XOXOXO.

Welcome to Hollywood. So far Hollywood is a interesting character as far as I can tell. Hard to figure out Hollywood, seems to wanna be really good friends one day and won’t reply to texts or return calls the next. Hollywood has ADD I’m pretty sure, some say Autism but there is no way Hollywood has had a vaccine shot in it’s life. Hollywood is either arrogant or very confident I’m not exactly sure which one yet. It has a huge wooden sign of it’s name on it’s front lawn for everyone to see that should tell you something. Although with that Hollywood is very self conscious. It looks at its reflection all the time and can’t go to a Starbucks without pretending to be using its laptop for something important. Hollywood has a personal trainer but still parties uncontrollably at times. Will Hollywood and I ever get close? Only in business as far as I can tell. I can see Hollywood and I making lots of money together or I could see Hollywood stabbing me in the back. So a new relationship begins, so far it is a distant one but time will tell how close we become.

Lorain, Cleveland, San Diego thanks for being you. You taught me that Hollywood has a lot to live up to and has many qualities to show me before I call Hollywood a friend. For those of you who are asking; Is Hollywood a man or woman? Who the hell knows. It’s such a freak I’m not sure if it’s a gay man or a woman that had a sex change. Frankly have no desire to get that close to him/her to find out. Just introduce me to the right person one day and it’ll never matter to me.

Its Super Bowl 45. Screw using Roman numerals its American football, the NFL ain’t looking to market to the Roman Numeral using crowd. I have not been alive for every Super Bowl played but I can remember many. The first Superbowl I really remember the was when the Dallas Cowboys beat the Denver Broncos in Jan. ’78. where Harvey Martin and Randy White shared MVP honors; the only time that has happened in Super Bowl history. Also they are 2 of only 3 D – lineman ever to win the award the other was Chicago’s Richard Dent for the vaunted ’85 Bear defense.

33 years have passed Since my first Super Sunday memory and the closest the Browns have gotten to a Super Bowl was in 2006 when it was 2 hours away in Detroit. Sure, Detroit, a long tenured franchise one of the firsts; have never been to Super Bowl either but at least they have gambling and hosted a Superbowl. Why we ( City of Cleveland and Al Lerner) didn’t build a dome in that city is beyond me and for you purists out there who are like, “but its not Cleveland football, its meant to be played outside. Screw you, they already took our original team and we got a substitute so whatever! It was like getting another dumb DAWG to replace the original dumb one. But at least the first one had personality and it did show you some great times once in a while. Sure you spent a lot on it at the Vet and it ate its own shit from time to time, but you kinda miss that. Because the new DAWG hasn’t learned anything yet. It pees all over the house, rubs its ass on the carpet and barley barks at strangers. A dome would have provided the opportunity to host much more than losing football 8 times a year and by gosh if we can turn it around and host a playoff game, which we perennially don not, actually haven’t since ’94 which is also the last time a Browns team won a playoff game led by head coach Bill Belichik whom oddly enough defeated the Patriots in that game… We fired him… A year later we ended up in Baltimore, yadda yadda yadda you don’t want to hear all about that.

Anyway I was talking Super Bowl, I enjoy the day cuz its never been too stressful on me or any Browns fan unless you are sweating out hitting the over, or close on winning a prop bet. Being a Cleveland Brown fan will teach one thing for sure don’t bet with your heart. When I hear people tell me they lost money on the Browns they better mean they bought season tickets and never used them. I can understand that but if I find out they wagered on them,I willl punch them in their reproductive area.

The best Super Bowl I ever saw and experienced was when Joe Montana took the Niners down the field and it was later found out in the huddle he was making jokes and pointing out people like John Candy, not because he was fat but because he was still alive. They beat the Bengals and A-hole head coach Sam Wyche that day. Very satisfying as a Brown fan. Thanks Joe. I was in 9th grade I think and me and some friends kicked it a pal’s house that day. His parents were gone we played black jack for quarters, dimes and nickels made bets on the game played Nintendo and looked at dirty magazines. We made a day of it. We were 14,15 and we were having an older guy Super Bowl party, living the life The only thing that could be better at that age was masturbation. We had some wine coolers and cans of skoal dip, that day was a definite “STAND BY ME ” moment in my life, there was even a fat kid in our group that we picked on another who ended up OD’ing in front of the Viper Room.

Joe Montana. How sweet was that guy before Sketcher Shape Up commercials made it hard to remember that he may be the greatest ever. I definitely say out of the 45 Super Bowls amassed if voted he would be the games collective MVP. 4 rings 2 different coaches no losses. He beat Marino and Elway soundly, Kenny Anderson and Boomer Esiason pretty good list considering other than Kurt Warner, Brady beat Jake Delhomme and Steve McCnair. Big Ben beat Matt Hasslebeck… Jay Cutler just beat Matt Hasslebeck.

MVP of coaches under that criteria is Chuck Knoll, as much as I hate the Steelers he set the bar for all the greats after him to shoot at and no one’s caught him Belichik is the only one with a viable chance but the difference is Chuck never lost one, Bill did. Best defensive player in my opinion Charles Haley menacing defender only player to have 5 rings.

My pick this year, my heart, Green Bay. My wallet, Pittsburgh. God do I hope Pittsburgh loses. The only thing I hate more than a Steeler fan is fake Steeler fan. The are showing up everywhere. I heard this girl in the store tell her boyfriend – “OMG I have to have that Steeler shirt!!” NO! they’ve won 6 Super bowls, if you don’t already have a Steeler jersey you don’t get one now. Now shut-up and put on the Jacksonville jersey cuz that’s the nearest team to the trailer park you grew up in also you are too skinny to be a REAL female Steeler fan. Go raise your cholesterol and blood pressure and maybe I’ll get you a terrible towel to wipe your fat runny nose with. GO CHEESE HEADS!!

The Super Bowl always is a bittersweet time because Sunday’s are gonna suck from now on. What am I gonna do? Go to church? spend time with family? C’mon Goodell resolve this strike because there’s nothing else that can get you outta Sundays but the religion of football.

So these are what I have for Super Bowl memories, I do my best to make new ones every Super Bowl Sunday I just wish my Browns would help try and make some for me too.